Chelsea 2009 - the good, the bad and the downright stupid

6.50am
Join the press line to get into the show early to bag a locker, once done, the first job of the day is to look at the press calls and times and see which of the glitterati are going to turn up today.

7.10am
Out and about - no glitterati this time in the morning - get my first glimpse of Luciano's garden for Laurent-Perrier - have already decided this is my best garden. Totally unfair this and biased but put it down to his Italian influence.

7.30am
Quick sweep of the Grand Pavilion - once again stunning displays - not sure about David Domoney's Qua Hortis display - those piranha look evil - so glad they are behind glass, hope to God they don't break out. The international displays are once again just magic - the vibrancy of the colours brings out the sunshine despite the dull overcast morning. Warm displays from the Jamaica Horticultural Society, Greneda, the City of Durban and Kirstenbosch National Botanical Garden are add to the international flavour.

7.45am
Catch up with Andy McIndoe on the Hilliers Stand. Once again their exhibit is amazing - this year Andy has chosen the theme 'Losing the Plot' which traces gardening through the various stages of your life. Another exhibit bound to win a Gold and another triumph for Hilliers.

7.50am
Notice that David Austin roses have got a great big chocolate cake for their launch to celebrate 40 years of the introduction of the repeat-flowering varieties of their English Roses. Make mental note not to miss out on that.

8.15am
Back in press tent for a cup of coffee. Julian Desborough manages to spill his tea over the table, over me and the assorted press papers. Fortunately for Julian, the tea is by now luke-warm and I am only moderately discomoded - just as well I am wearing dark colours otherwise he would be dead.

8.25am
We make a sweep of the courtyard gardens - standard is getting better year by year and I just love Entente Cordiale and Demelza. Good to see Cumbria represented with Pottering in North Cumbria - the Fenland Alchemist Garden is just perfect - followed closely by The Pilgrims Rest - can't make up my mind which of these gardens I like best.

Return to the major show gardens and have a chat with the designer on the Quilted Velvet Garden. Tony Smith is doing a garden at all three major RHS Shows this year so he has his work cut out. The garden's hard landscaping has been constructed using 36,000 pieces of slate, which is amazing.

10.00am
What is it about Helen Mirren? The paparazzi trample over each other to get a picture - I am pleased to note that Emma is elbowing her way to the front - she is quite good at this - meanwhile I stand aloof with some distaste at all the fuss. No competition from poor Vince Cable then who is over at the British Beekeeper's Association with Bill Turnbull - doubt there was a camera left in the place that wasn't trained on Helen Mirren.

I am relieved when it is time to leave the scrum and go over to Knoll Gardens stand for the launch of a new initiative with Cleve West and Neil Lucas. More about this in Reckless Gardener later - much more refined behaviour here - David Bellamy joined us and there was no unseemingly scrum.
The glitterati are now starting to appear and Stephen Fry, Jennie Bond and Helena Bonham-Carter have been spotted and over there, yes Joanna Lumley who gives Bill Nighy a big hug. Hmm!

11.00am

By now the champers is flowing - on little breakfast one could get quite squiffy - one nearly does - spot Olivia Harrison and is that Ringo? Spot Bill Nighy again at the David Austin stand - he is with Andrew Lincoln - suspect they might have seen the chocolate cake too.

Cast members of the British production of Calendar Girls line up at the Calendar Girls stand, Patricia Hodge, Lynda Bellingham and Julia Hills among them. Meanwhile, it is all happening at David Austin's - Jasper Conran has turned up with the CEO of Wedgewood, Moira Gavin, to celebrate both the anniversary and the launch of Austin's new roses.

Emma seems to have gone missing - I find her talking to Victoria Pendleton, the Olympic Gold medal winning track cyclist - they are deep in conversation - apparently Vicky has been interested in gardening since she was as small child taking cuttings and growing plants for pocket money - better than a paper round she says! She lets Emma wear her Gold Medal - I am quite impressed by that.

11.30am
Over at Peter Beales they are entertaining singer Rod Stewart and his wife Penny Lancaster as well as the head gardener from Highgrove. A new rose is launched chosen by HRH the Prince of Wales and named after his official residence in aid of the Prince's Trust.

We are nearly late for the Hilliers launch - slapped wrist - but make it in time. Temporarily delayed by that lovely man Geoff Hughes - the Royle family's Twiggy - he graciously kisses my hand and we discuss the changes in Liverpool since capital of culture. Geoff loves Chelsea and he comes most years - he has had a sweetpea named after him this year.

12-1.00pm
The sun briefly shines which is just as well because there is a scantily clad model reclining admist a flurry of rose petals on the Quilted Velvet garden. There is also another unseemingly mob around James May's Paradise in Plasticine creation - this has got to be a joke - but no the RHS have allowed him to create a plasticine replica of a garden. I have to say that the colour scheme is brilliant if a little in your face - but it is not a garden. What are they thinking of? It also seems to smell funny. Rather like those sweet cigarettes you used to eat when you were little. The whole thing is either a brilliant masterstroke on behalf of the RHS or a terrible misjudgement - I can't decide which. Mind you, must have taken an age to model each and every one of those plants and petals.

1.30pm
Rumours circulating that Jekka McVicar has had her gnome banned - I ask you - he is only a couple of inches high (left) and we can't have a gnome - dual standards if you ask me.

2.00pm
Legs are getting wary and I dare not risk getting another cup of tea over my trousers so I avoid Julian - people are getting quite excited about The Daily Telegraph Garden - last time Ulf Nordjfell exhibited he won a Gold. This year is likely to be a repeat performance - the garden is graceful if a little too chic for me.

I had not realised how many companies sell conservatories and greenhouses - Chelsea seems awash with them this year - every other stand seems to be selling conservatories - don't they know there's a credit crunch?

2.30pm
I am now seeing lots of celebrities but having difficulty identifying names - they are blurring into each other - this could be the result of too much chocolate cake and fizzy stuff - or it could be that I am bowled over by Luciano's charm. I take one last look at my favourite gardens and consign Luciano's planting to memory.

3.00pm
Time to be ejected before the Royal personages are entertained. We gather up all our notes, copy and tea stained notebooks. It's time to head home - another Chelsea over.

She's in there somewhere!